* This was a letter that I had originally written for a close friend who was apprehensive about her approaching wedding. :-) Also, passed this on to some other friends who valued and appreciated the same in their trial times... Wasn't sure if I wanted to add it to my Blog, but still...here it is.
Dear S,
This is going to be a Big Mail. I'll try to put all that I have felt, learnt in my marriage to help you feel more secured, more confident that you can handle it all well. :-)
One, I wish to share something with you. Inspite of it being an awaited relationship, we also faced some trials in the early days of my marriage. Believe me, even in love marriages, one does come across small-small things… after all, married life itself has lots to teach and it’s a new experience for every individual.
I was not good at time-management…I have been quite slow irrespective of the fact that we had to be in office on time… After more than one year of togetherness, I have learnt a lot, as a wife, as a partner and biggest learning is….there is lots to learn each day and yes, I have consciously improved on points I had to get better at.
So, just in case, you come across small-small dissatisfactions/trials in your daily life, please remember and focus on the fact that marriage is a lovely relationship and its worth doing all you can for maintaining happiness / balance and love in the same. You may face some petty differences, which when occur seem biggest things!!! But are actually not, if you look at them objectively. Be prepared to make your home a nice place to be – atleast for the bonds that matter.
Two, take good care of yourself and your hubby, take time out for yourself and him, don’t be too demanding, put forth your view with love …… and life would be not just easy, but also enjoyable.
As a friend, I pray you have a life-long loving relationship with your partner (that way life would never feel overpowering…it would just be nice to live).
Three, I request, whatever your trials, please do not discuss it with anyone who can’t help, except someone whom you can trust to advise well and still be quiet about it. It not only can give a bad impression about your hubby (which deep inside we women don’t like to) but also about in the ways you are ruining your relationship.
Four, I want you to understand that for almost a year now, you both will be in the phase of getting to know each-other. Your understanding phase also starts the day you marry… and yes, please note, we all are not perfect. It is good to strive for perfection in ourselves and others, but please set realistic expectations, if at all you set any.
Five, it becomes your responsibility to communicate and convey your feelings to each-other. This is most important when something troubles you but as a Golden Rule, if you are comfortable communicating without hurting, your marriage will go a long way. Believe me, that’s half the trouble. We women like to believe, the men will understand hints or unspoken feelings. Trust me, how much ever a man might love you, if at all there is anything that makes you unhappy, until you convey it to him, he might not be even aware!! So, don't wait to open up only when things do not go your way... be open to communicate your daily life feelings (simple things like you might like if he holds your hand while crossing a road, and it in no way means you can't manage to cross it alone!).
Six, the good habits you both build together, the happy routine job that you both take up together, will make things nice however hectic the day. For example, you can make it a routine to apply paste on each-other's brushes first thing in the morning. Just the gesture can make both of you feel nice about the bonding. :-)
Seven, try to be nice partners for each-other. Find out what your likes/dislikes are. What does he look for in a partner? What do you look for in a partner to be open and loving towards him? Discuss about your feelings and how far you both can trust each-other, knowing the fact that it is an arranged marriage. Make your husband know you trust him and you want to know the nitty-gritty details about his office etc just to feel you both are partners in everything and not because you feel insecure. Most of the men, do not discuss office things at home….for various reasons. Some feel, it’s got nothing of interest for wife…especially if it’s a different culture at office……Please speak to your hubby lovingly. Don’t give him an essay of what you like, how you want him to be….just when he behaves in a way that makes you unhappy, let him know that you are unhappy. That doesn’t mean you stop eating, throw tantrums, keep sulking. Speak. And not rudely, be polite. Your anger should not be directed towards him but the behavior which makes you feel bad. Hope you understand.
Eight, please do not expect your husband to be like you. Don’t expect him to behave the way you do. Why should he? After all, he is a different person, right? In a way, we play our parts.
Nine, being romantic and doing things which create/highlight that particular feeling is a great beginning for a relationship. If you fear that he feels you are not so close to him, make him feel close to you. Show your affection towards him. Let him know you would be happy when he shows affection too… At times, there may be certain things you wish to talk to him openly about….but you may at the same time be holding on. It cud be that you don’t want to upset him. Then, if you think that what you wish to say, might upset him and if it’s trivial, just leave it, don’t say. But if you feel, it’s important for him to know, then speak to him. Don’t worry about how he takes it; just be there for him even when he gets upset (if you are taking the risk of telling him something that might upset him).
Ten, we all have a tendency to over-expect. But only with mutual understanding and the will to maintain love and peace between the partners, everything can be overcome. I can’t know your hubby’s nature, it’s for you to explore. You can’t change him, yes. But with your love and sweetness, you can still ask him to be sweet the way you like him to be….when he does something that makes you happy, tell him it makes you happy!! Not just whine each time he makes you unhappy. Give praise and honest view every time (now that doesn’t mean be cuttingly sharp when it can be avoided)…
Eleven, if you get bugged at home, in his absence, do things you think will be useful for both of you…or just read something of value…make it a habit to have some relaxation time for both of you everyday, let him know if he talks for ten-fifteen minutes before sleeping, you will feel good the entire day (next day)…..I am sure, when a person knows how he can keep his wife happy, he will try to do so. And also, you ask him how he would want you to be….that also will encourage him to be more open to you.
Twelve, don’t get hurt for small-small things (now this is easier said than done)…
Thirteen, anything tried with love and faith never fails. Just don’t think so much!!!! Just live!! And enjoy your special togetherness!!
Fourteen, you know, if we women can keep our tongues in control (trust me, we women can come up with the most devastating statements!!), it definitely will create a sweeter home (now this doesn’t go to say, we needn’t fight when wronged).
Fifteen, I keep reminding myself, what matters most is not how much time you spend together (that does matter, yes) but more importantly how you behave with each-other everyday….. and by God’s grace, we are also everyday learning how to manage things well (even issues we might slightly differ on)….without creating a racquet for it…..
Sixteen, life offers lots of opportunities to create fresh wounds and also, the methods to overcome those will differ each time. Not every time the other person can forgive as soon as you ask sorry. And Not every time you need to ask sorry, just a sweet smile and sentences like, “yes, I understand, I made a mistake, will improve on this” might help a great deal….besides, the willingness to change if need arises…for mutual happiness.
Seventeen, you must think things from his perspective also.
Eighteen, and nice if you realize, how small words can create profound wounds….so, be careful at all times. We all get angry, but you know, after a while, anger by itself fades out and then we might be left repenting what we said or did. So, always pray when angry. That really helps!!
Nineteen, each couple has their own trials and their own means of setting the rhythm of their lives… both must be quick at dissolving the differences. Small-small things affect every couple.
Twenty, in marriage, it's best not to wait for other person to come and apologize, even if one may think other was wrong! Don’t both want the love back? So why shouldn’t either be first to break ice? All this and much more…same way, there mite be times when wife is wrong and hubby waits for her to realize…if she realizes soon and is back to normal herself great….or she can always approach hubby…or vice versa..
Twenty-one, growing up has lots to do with changing and most of us don’t like to change. We think, why should we? Sometimes, changing ourselves little makes life much better…
Twenty-two, about you feeling emotionally down, now and then…well, that’s going to be part and parcel of first year of anyone’s marriage!! Trust me, I used to get terribly moody too and for no fault of his!!!! Believe me, it comes with hormonal changes and lots more ;-)
Twenty-three, please understand how much you love your hubby or he loves you, you both may still behave indifferent at times. It happens. Just like that. Without any reason. You know, we women attach lots of emotional drama to all our feelings, men are not like that. For them, simpler the life, the better it is. For us, until we find out reasons for each casual smile, each wink, each grin, each angry expression, each fluttering emotion….we are not satisfied!!! Read this. I used to make lot of long faces too and guess what? When I used to be upset for some silly thing, making a big long face over it, he would come and tell me something like, “already you have such a thin long face…you look horrible when you get angry”. I would feel like crying thinking that he is so heartless to say such a thing when I am so emotional…..but you know what? I learnt soon that he likes to irritate me when I am angry because he finds it too much to come and make me feel better (by begging me or asking me sorry-sorry especially when I am just moody) for small silly things. And, I have also understood, if he knows its something important and I am feeling sad/bad about it, he would be the first one to come running to make me feel nice.
Twenty-four, it is with experience that we all learn the true caring nature of the husband! Please do not fret easily, give you and him more chances to share more smiles. Please do not think he does not care, he does, maybe he can’t show it off very often. Especially, when we can be silly enough to take small things to heart, head, analyzing and fuming over them!!
Twenty-five, ensure that you remain happy and keep him happy. Don’t give importance to all things, only to those that are really important. We need to be able to differentiate. We take all things to heart. That’s not required. If your hubby loves you, enjoy that feeling. Don't worry about it!! When you feel much more secured about your mutual understanding, you will not worry so much.
Twenty-six, we can’t become emotionally strong like men, but of course, we can get our own emotional control higher. We can not stop feeling; we can learn to control and channelize the same.
Also, want to tell you, please don’t think all that I have mentioned above is the ultimate truth….you need to experience and grow on your own….and I am sure, though we are equally sentimental women, with time, you will also learn how best to tackle things which seem so out of order at times…..there’s lots to come with each passing day….
Marriage is not who is right, who is wrong but how to set wrongs right and how to be happy together. It doesn’t matter who needs to improve (half the times its both, men talk less about their improvements and women talk too much!!).
Just take care, I wish you enjoy the period that you are having now, after a year all trials now will seem like trifles …..
I guess, that’s enough for your entire first year of marriage. :-) Keep smiling and take one day at a time.
Regards,
Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment